The Journey of Self-Love

Alright. Here we go. First real blog post. Guess how long it’s taken me to write this? I’ll tell you. A year. It has taken me a year since the beginning of my inspiration to create this site. Am I the world’s best procrastinator? Possibly, but at least I am doing it. That fortune cookie last week that said “A thousand-mile trip begins with one step,” cut me deep and re-sparked something inside.

It’s taken me a long time to figure out what I even wanted to start with writing. I’ve had hundreds of ideas, but nothing so enticing that even made it to a sticky note. I’m at the point where I think I found it – I am human and self-love is hard.

Since the date of conception for the idea of this site, I have quit my career, gotten out of a long-term relationship which I was convinced was promising, and have hit obstacle after obstacle – mentally, emotionally, physically.

I have found ‘myself’, changed my name, pulled myself out of depression and found a new love for life, a self-loving, positive path. I became a positive development and self-love junkie. I have had many high moments in 2015 as I learned so much about myself, others, our planet and our universe, but just as the properties of physics tells us if something goes up, it’s bound to come down (in the application that there is gravity, of course).

I’ve had my fair share of lows this past year as well. So many times I had felt like I had been trailing off the beaten path, lost in emotions and healing, lost in unnecessary things that consumed my energy and time (mainly the past and future), and constantly I’d find myself in waves of self-doubt that I couldn’t do this site; who would want to hear me any way?; and the persistent ‘what the hell am I doing with my life?’.

I was initially so inspired and motivated to create this, but maintaining that creativity, inspiration and passion was hard to maintain and I found myself battling nobody else but… myself. During my lows, it was particularly hard to feel confident to write. I didn’t have the words that poured from my heart like the moments when I felt truly alive, present, compassionate and connected. I thought I had to be in that state of mind in order to feel heard and to inspire people.  

Well, today my friends I am going to be brutally honest. I am not in one of my ‘high’s’. I’m not feeling the best about myself. I don’t feel incredibly grounded, aware, my physical body is not in the best condition, I feel anxious, and honestly my life has yet again pulled another rug out from under me and I’m upside-down in the air, wondering ‘where the hell am I going’?

To my fellow generation and nerdy friends, have you ever played Mario Cart 64? You know the Donkey Kong course where when you jump over the ferry? If you’re still following me, you know whenever you drive off the road a massive pixelated coconut comes out of nowhere and smacks you over and over and over back towards the road? Well that’s how I feel. I feel like right now life is smacking me with coconuts. It’s telling me I’m not doing something right and each coconut that is hitting me is telling me I need to change direction.

To be honest, I’m not sure which direction I need to go, but this first post feels right. And at least I know what I need to do next. I need to re-center myself. Even when life is chaotic, what matters is inner balance, the rest, due time, will become clear. I got that gem of advice from my chiropractor a couple weeks ago! Funny where and when we learn our life lessons.

I’ve preached how to promote self-care, I’m passionate about the necessity for self-love, but lately I haven’t been giving my body and spirit the time, energy, love, respect and compassion that I know deep down I deserve. And honestly I know that to get back to where I want to be is going to take time, determination, and some effort. It’s a bit daunting, but something I realized today is that I don’t need to take major strides, I can start with baby steps.  

So here is where I will document my progress, and my down-falls. I will be open, honest, aware, and non-judgmental to my progress as well as my down-falls.

This is more or less creating a ‘How-To’ on getting myself back on track. I know myself well – I know the things I love to do, the things I know I shouldn’t do (or eat), and it’s a matter of daily small commitments, routines, and self-discipline.  To make anything real and sustainable, I’ve got to celebrate the good and dust myself off and learn whenever I derail.

These are ways that I show myself love, and what it takes to take care of myself. Selfishly, this will hold me accountable AND it’s for ‘future me’ to look back on in case I need a guide for when I may be off track again, I know life happens...will happen. Oh, sporadic, hectic, crazy, amazing, adventurous, life. You’re like a drug with your highs and lows.

So here are this week’s GOALS, DOWNFALLS, & PROGRESS…

GOALS:

1)      Find & attend a new Yoga Studio.

My membership expired today. I haven’t attended yoga in a month or two. It’s time to move on from the studio I’ve attended and worked at for the past year… Several of my favorite teachers have left. I need inspiration, new routines, new energy, new friends, new mentors.

2)      Being more conscious of my eating – Part 1. Re-incorporating more VEGGIES.

            Oh man. Pizza, brownies, beer. I’m a carb whore! I’ve eaten a lot of these foods lately,
            and I’ve been feeling very sluggish, more emotional, and less motivated. I have          
            forgotten what it feels like NOT to have these as my main diet, and what it feels like to
            crave veggies. I used to crave veggies, but now I stick my nose up like a toddler
            rejecting broccoli. Funny enough, I’ve bought a lot of vegetables but either they have
            gone to waste or I cut them up and froze them.

DOWN-FALLS:

  1)      I ate the cake. And it was delicious.

             I totally ate the chocolate cheesecake as my body was saying “NOOOOOO, don’t do
             it, you were doing so well today!” I could have passed it. I’m hypersensitive to
             chocolate and sugar, and now I’m staying up late. Whoopsies.

 2)      I just stayed up really late.

For my first post? Worth it.. sorry Adrenals, I know you function best when I sleep between 11pm-1am, but I’ll make it my goal next week to be more proactive on my sleeping schedule.

PROGRESS:

 1)      I just wrote my first post. 

          Booya!

2)      I just brushed and FLOSSED my teeth!

   So embarrassing. I’m 23 and I should be all about my dental hygiene by now, right? Hahaha, my
   flossing routine is still a work in progress.

 

So here’s me being human. Sharing my progress, downfalls, goals and being real. I’m nowhere close to perfection.

Feel free to share your progress, your current life situation(s), and some of your downfalls! What are your goals for the week, this month or what is something you want to begin manifesting more of in your life? Don’t make me the only one being real here. :)

Posted on February 16, 2016 .